Hello, I'm Peter Paul Rubens, aka PPR, and I've never played DOTA nor WC3.
[Non-DOTA-Players Anonymous]Hi, PPR![/non-dota-players anonymous]
A friend of mine (an avid DOTA player) told me about this game. It looked intriguing from the youtube video so I figured "why not?". I asked him for an invite to the beta and he gave me one.
I signed up for an account, downloaded the client, and installed it. All good so far.
I see that there's an option to search for games for "Noobs Only". Perfect, I think, I'm clearly a noob. In the filtered list of games, I see a game titled "Noobs Come". Bingo. I join the game.... and I'm kicked from the game by the host. Before I even get to the waiting room screen (I don't even know there's a waiting room yet, it's my first game!). Just the loading screen, then a message box saying the host applied Ye Olde Jackboot to my face. I assume it's for having exactly zero games under my belt. Tough crowd, I think, an inauspicious start to be sure! Nothing to do but try again though.
So I join a second game. More concerned than ever about my inexperience, I join a game titled "Beginners Only". Wheeeee, surely I'll fit in there. I choose a hero named War Beast, thinking it'd be a rough-and-tumble tank archetype. I generally like to start any game with a tank - even if you don't kill a lot of things, you survive well, giving you a chance to observe more of how the game is played (actually, I usually like to play against the computer before I make other people suffer through playing with me... no option for that though, at least that I could find, but I digress).
No dice on tanking though, War Beast is a total sugar, apparently descended from a long line of punching bags. I'm sure he's a capable hero in someone's hands, but in mine, he may as well be Urkel.
Of course I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. A few tentative clicks let me figure out how to move. I promptly move.. right off the screen. OK... the screen doesn't follow my dude. Gotta move the screen manually. Check. Still have no idea what to do, where to go, how to fight. Hotkeys? There are some... somewhere. Is there an attack button? No idea. I figure out if I double-click an enemy I will start attacking. I clumsily figure out that I can improve skills or something. I learn "Summon Hellhounds".. only to figure out that they're as difficult to move as I am. Perfect, more things to try to herd. I need that like I need a Drano enema. Oh look, an enemy hero! Four seconds later: "tehPPR was wtfpwnt by SomeDude for most of his gold". Yeehaw. Good times.
I figure out I can buy things. What I should buy or when... no idea. Do I need to equip them, or do they take effect as soon as I purchase them? No idea. I also figure out that the swarming little minions (creeps?) can be distinguished by the border around the text box. Too bad I'm red-green colorblind, so I can't distinguish the colors unless I can compare one color to the other. (I saw there was a colorblind thread that the developers acknowledged they'd look into. Kudos for that.)
A few more rapid deaths happen, and pretty soon the "ugh, War Beast, come ON!" comments from my team start. A couple minutes later, the vote to concede comes. By time I figure out I'm supposed to vote, I see my team has voted 4/5 to concede. I'm not a jackass so I vote to Concede as well. If my team has had enough of me I don't want to force them to continue with me. My "Beginners Only" game has voted that I'm too much of a beginner to bother playing with. Go figure.
I join a third game, still searching with the "Noobs Only" filter. This one is titled "Noobs Only". Surely these dudes won't mind if I suck. I'm randomly assigned a hero. Seems to be another ranged-DPS archetype. Ugh. So as not to hold the game up, I click Ready right away. I figure out later that maybe I could've changed my hero to a tank type.. still not sure about that. Too late though, I tried to not be the lame noob holding things up at the waiting room and clicked Ready. Ah well.
I get wtfpwnt several times. I've realized by now I need to kill things in order to level up. So I fight. And I die. And my team-mates start telling me to "stay back... it's better if you just don't die." So I stay back. And pretty soon I'm level 5, and everyone else is level 13. My enemies appear next to me, out of nowhere. They two-hit-kill me. Next time I see an enemy hero appear, I try to run away. He freezes me with some ice blast thingy so I can't move. He two-hits me again. My teammates yell at me to "STAY BACK" again. I'm at a loss.. it seems "stay back" really means "stop playing". Stop moving, stop fighting, stop helping, stop dying. I think, Is that really what it comes down to? Do I suck SO BAD they're better off without me? Unfortunately my question is answered all to quickly. My team votes to boot me. From a game titled "Noobs Only".
SOOOOOOO... 3 games in, I've been forcibly kicked twice, and my team decided to forfeit on the other, and I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. There's no tutorial video, no way to take a test-spin against the computer to at least figure out the basic controls, and no way to review the heroes and gear without actually being in a game.
I understand this game is targeted at DOTA players... so please, just tell me if I'm wasting my time trying to get up to speed. Is this game really meant to be UNPLAYABLE for anyone who hasn't played hundreds of DOTA games?